he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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