I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
