Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
