Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
