I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
