My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
