I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Apparently you make a good broom.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
