I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
