screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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