i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
