I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
