did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
