I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
