the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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