True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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