The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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