explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
