I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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