I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
even my farts smell like vagina
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
