I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
