Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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