I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
