I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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