my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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