I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
