Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
