I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
