i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
