i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
