I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I supernannyed him into submission
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
