My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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