I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
