it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
