just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
