the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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