I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
