The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
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Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
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Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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