the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize