I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
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Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
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You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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