I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
