his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
