You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Who did Billy Mays play for?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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