I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
