i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
