Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
