Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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