I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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