found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
