call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
