When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
