i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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