do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
