Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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