I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
