Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
