my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
