Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
