Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Floor bacon is actually really good
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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