I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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